October 21, 2024. 7:51 PM.

I’ve been having a ✨ moment ✨ with my life. For the last few weeks — a couple of months, to be honest — I don’t think my head’s been in the best shape. I keep trying to work on things and choose better and be kind to myself. It’s been on and off. I keep trying, failing, giving up, deciding that giving up can not become me, coming back and trying again, and so on. The works.

The funny thing about this is: In some convoluted way, I feel like I’m fighting myself (?) My ways and habits and preferences and comfort and whatnot.

Simply saying that I do not feel like my head is in the best shape feels like a lazy and convenient excuse to not show up. For myself and the things I have loved. Which means, I am often ruthlessly unkind to myself. Not a cool thing. But, after all this trying, I don’t think I am dishonest and been doing a disservice to myself or the things and people I love. I’m just not there. I have to allow myself the space to breathe. Free.

While filling up my 4L water bottle this morning, a thought had occurred. That for a long time I have been trying to change myself. I say I want to be a better person. Truth is, I’ve been simply wanting to be a different person. Different person. Growing away from myself. And lord knows that’s not how I operate. So, all this trying to be better had not come from a place of self-love/growth, but a simmering bitterness for who I am.

I’ve been chronically online since 2014. Really. Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Newsletters, LinkedIn, fleeting platforms like AirChat and Clubhouse, everything. And while I still continue to be the loudest spokesperson for how living on the Internet can change your life, I might have to hold an intervention for mine. Last year in May, I took a trip to Alibaug with my family with no phones, Internet or agenda whatsoever. That was my one single break I can remember. And it was lovely. My brain could decompress. After all, it had been soaking in lives and stories of strangers from the widest horizons. To no end.

That was one thing. Another thing I’ve been thinking about is how I fill up silences and quiet times. Be it making breakfast at dawn, doing laundry, a rickshaw ride, in fact even while writing this blog — there’s always music or shows or podcasts playing in the back. Maybe I have not created space to hear my own thoughts that might come up. Always consuming and connecting a few dots here and there and talking the same stuff to the world. Nothing of my own. Nothing on my own. I think we all do that. Do we not?

A month back, I deleted LinkedIn from my phone. A week later, Twitter. Then, logged out of Instagram. And all this while, every new text on WhatsApp makes me want to hide. This last week was a fairly empty one. No social media at all. Both C and SG were out of town — two people I spend A LOT of my time with. Family was out too. So, it was really just me and myself. I did hang out with friends here and there but you get the drift. No online life. A long drive and some card games for fun. And a lot of [intentional backspacing of adjective here since it was just time, no qualities attached] time by myself. I don’t think it did much to me. But it did do a little.

No, I still did not think actively about what’s happening to me or why does my life feel like it’s burning down. Ate meals that I enjoy without feeling shitty about eating trash. Hung out with friends without regretting lost time. Did some things I enjoy for myself — you know, doodles and crafts and home-spas and good-old bed-rotting. Blatantly ignored all my WhatsApps without feeling terrible about it. Finally wrote something and put it out. That was a tiny bit centering. It was good.

It did not change or fix things. But it was a mental-health CPR for sure. As for figuring whatever-this-is out, I think I have a few thoughts now.

1. First things first, I want to let go of this anger/resentment I’ve been holding.
2. Second, I want to be able to lean into imperfection action. With everything that I do.
3. And, I want to create things. Not “content” content but things. And document it. But I truly don’t want anything to do with how it does on the Internet.
   1. Which means I might be more shut in as a human being. It’s not as sad it sounds though. I don’t know what it means too. You’ll see.
4. I’m getting off any and all bandwagons. And FOMO. And the content state of wanting to know more. Especially with content. But also with everything else. More music. Fun facts. Gyaan threads. Stories. Irrelevant updates. Hangouts. People. Etc.
5. The idea overall is to be intentional and mindful with myself. I want to be claiming back my space for thoughts, musings, creativity, etc etc. Without judging myself for it. Or letting fear of judgement hold me back.

[ A coffee-run later]

Now that I look at my list, I think this who I have always been. And how I have best operated as. I’ve often talked about being alone with my computer and searching/doing/making things that my heart desires. And it saved me from the constant pendulum of motivation and exhaustion. Being the quiet-but-very-chirpy-when-talked-to kid was not lonely or disconnected or wasteful or direction-less. Just unbothered and non-judgemental; particularly from my own self but also from others. So, let me try that for myself again.

The world can happen. I will pick and choose what I want of it. On my own terms.

Leaving this note from a dear friend with this: