I am finally home.

Had Sem 3.2 exams in December and flew to Gorakhpur the very next day. And there, I gave into the laziness and chose hanging around + snacking with friends more often than I chose work. Or reading. Or writing. Which was nice. My brain needed a breather. And a little wiggle space to think sporadically.

Now, I look forward to doing more. Honestly, it is simply more of what I have been trying to do this past year – more rigour and intent. But 2023 was a lot more trial and error, I am hoping in 2024 I can sustain the best systems. And of course, carving out time + weeding out draining habits to make space for the good stuff. That fills me up. That I’ve always wanted to do.

I’ve been not-so-much looking forward to Sem 4 though. Hectic schedule and not the most traffic optimised timings – but okay. We’ll make do. Doing brilliantly well in college is not something I really, wholeheartedly, excitedly care about. But it gives me a certain sense of “doing the right thing” + a peace with family about not messing up life. Would someone like to shrink me out of this though?

Setting goals

I will come back to you with a longer list of goals for this year. In a few days. I did not put things down yet. I was scared to commit. Under-confident. Felt like I was dreaming too big for myself. Worried about chasing wrong things. All that. I don’t think I have had a problem with it before. Mostly because all my annual goals have been either very academic or things my mom-and-pop would fully approve/be excited/brag about. The “right” things.

With most things I want in life, I would definitely be disappointing them. In the very long run. So I’ve been scared to plan them. Dream of them. Risk a shot at trying and failing and embarrassing myself. This year I am in a place to do all of that and more – in all ways. I have the emotional grit, the ecosystem and a support system.

So this should be sorted.

New Year, New Me and all that stuff

In my circles, everyone has been talking new year resolutions and commitments and dreams and consistency and all that. And I am lucky to have found these 4-5 sets of people who share multiple permutations of my value systems.

And I feel a little behind on not having locked in goals yet. Which is silly. Because I’d be the first to denounce new-year-ke-baad-main-naya-insaan-banunga kind of ideas. And just today, I was talking to a friend about the breaking out of social expectations and normal/expected behaviour. Feeling the need to set concrete goals and chase them every Jan is part of it. But it’s a good push – sure. It’s a weird, contradictory, fighting thought.

Realisation: I am very quick to…

compare myself to the world and get upset about my life/my abilities, etc. I want to consciously stop myself from doing that. While writing out this 500 word piece, I took two pauses to compare myself to random huge people, be disappointed in myself, want to stop writing and wallow. An ugly, rotten rabbit-hole.

I need to stop doing that. And keep doing my thing despite those uncomfortable feelings. I was able to do that today. I want to keep doing it every other time.

Tom: All my thoughts + observations from the Gorakhpur trip.