Every single piece that I have started with a good evening has never gone out. But this evening is different. It had the prettiest, most magical skies. And I am determined. So, good evening!

People actually read these blogs.

Most of these are just my fuckery on the Internet. To please my whims and fancy.

At no point of time have I wished there was more to this. I merely want to be a good, consistent, happy writer and thinker. And to be able to confidently claim the act of having done that — I don’t know where to be honest. But somewhere. To myself.

Oh that reminds: I was thinking how all of life’s battles are us vs us.

You know, like more often than not we’re fighting ourselves and judging ourselves and disagreeing with ourselves. What people think of us only affects us if you’ve got a doubt in your head.

Gah. I snapped out of this thought. This is a very, very nascent thought in my head. It comes to me and then goes. Articulaten’t. But a longer rant on this soon.

Back to the people reading this bit. I never thought or wanted people to read it. And that’s what I love about it — on some level I can bare my brains (never heart, or so I think) and scream at the Universe and not be told to shut up?? I mean, why would I ever steal away time from other important things to sit down and write lies??

Now, I also have started writing these Stakeholder Reports. I send this to almost everyone I know. That would be a 0.10% invested in my life. (Should finally make that broadcast list.) And today, 5-6 people, outside my general safe circle, told me they’d read it. And other things on my blogs. And that they’d liked what I had been blabbering on about.

No, not blabbering. Writing into a void.

It was an almost surreal thing. In a world that had Dino Fonseca, Mother Taylor and Dylan, people chose to spend their mental real estate on what I’ve been up to. And then also offered me perspectives.

The only thing is: Armed with this information, I do not ever want to start being dishonest with myself. So that!

Fear.

I read some post about how there are no stupid, smart, good, bad people. Just scared and not scared. And how scared people make wrong decisions. Or are too quick to judge.

I think I very much subscribe to this idea. Quite often, when I am having my super passionate emotional bouts, I’ll ask myself if this is coming from a place of fear. Insecurity. Trust deficit. Non-abundance in life.

And more often than not, it is.

I am not sure what it does for you. But the awareness probably helps you take a moment before you decide or act. And maybe then you could choose to take a leap of faith in life. And choose to be a little less scared. Muster some confidence. Choose to put some trust first, verify later. Re-affirm abundance. Skip instant reward/gratification and commit to long-term alignments.

By no means am I an expert on this. I am petty and stupid and immature and impatient and more — a lot more than you’d expect a 21yo kidult to be. The point is to do better. And this reframe has helped me do + be better.

Teri subah keh rahi hai kal raat ki kahani.

I steal this line from a very beautiful Ghazal by Ustad Nazeer Banarasi. He talks about love, life and the drama within. I am talking about my sad girl hours. Close!

So, here’s the thing: On days I sad-girl or not check my revenge bedtime procrastination, I sleep in. Not much. An hour, 90 minutes tops.

But that ruins the tone for my day. I feel behind. There’s lesser time in the next. I am rushed and panicked and freaked out and cranky and just not in my element. There’s more sun outside, there’s a little more traffic, more people are awake and chatty and phone buzzes a bit much.

One. I do not want to be so affected by these tiny inefficiencies and inconsistencies in my schedule. How would I ever live? Park this thought. We are not focusing on this today.

Two. I should be way more fiercely protective of my time and energy than I am today. Which means skipping reel-time, not rotting for an hour when I come home, taking the pain to fix at outfit for tom before bed, all that. Truth is, I know everything I need to do to not be irked and vibed out. Some things feel a tiny bit harder. But I refuse to live with that excuse. So that.

Quick FYI: I’ve decided to become That Bitch. Not That Girl. That Bitch. Watch me.

That’s all!