A tweet just went out from @akforthevibe that says today, 12th of April, 2023, is the worst day of my year so far. What’s funny is that nothing happened that is making this so bad. Life is funny that way.

1/

As I type this on a fancy MacBook, I have fancy AirPods connected to an iPhone 14 blasting My Youth/Troye Sivan into my years. I take a break from the typing to sip on my fancy Starbucks drink of the season. When I put it back in its place, my hands tremble – I am terribly aware of the privilege I am living in. People would kill for it. Someone else would make brilliant us of it. What am I doing then?

2/

I feel terrible today. Whatever I feel, my social media exudes it. So basically everyone in the world (mine, at least) knows I am having a bad day today. Most of these people try and make it better – in their own ways. And I see it. Deeply appreciate it too. But nothing helps. On some level, I also feel terrible about it. Why am I so much drama? How can I not see that there is so much love and care and warmth for me in the world? Why can’t this be enough?

3/

My break from college gives me an insane amount of free time. SIX WHOLE MONTHS? If I give the reins of my time to someone else, they could probably put the world on fire with it. I am decently smart and sensible but I am also lazy – it’s a curse. I abuse my smartness with my laziness.

A couple of days back, I spent a lot of time charting out, what I thought in the moment, the most optimal set of daily habits to make good use of this time. This was last Wednesday. It is another Wednesday – I am failing. I have disappointed myself. More than that, I feel bad for having wasted the friend’s time the other day.

4/

I need head massage. A hug. Another hug maybe. A careless day. A baggy, bright-hot-pink linen shirt. With good tailoring and structure to it. And I want to wear it while eating popsicles on a hot, sunny afternoon in a pretty place. A crown that makes me the queen of the world. Maybe a nice walk with my best friend.

5/

I really want to do my newsletter. Don’t know why. But I know I want to.

Here’s a list of blocks:

• Need the quiet, focused and controlled vacuum mental space to write.
• I want these pieces to be of value to a reader. I fear not being able to deliver that.
• I have to consume more or research more to write more. Not enough time. While I waste most of it in mindless things, I believe I need that to be me. This will – I think – I compound over time. So I refuse to budge on my mindless exploring today.
• An extreme lack of consistent, intentional, directed efforts. I get bored too easy, too soon. And distracted too. (I got distracted 3-4 times while writing this whole thing. You don’t care about it enough yada yada – I AM TRYING TO FIX THIS OKAY?)

Quick solutions, as of 13 April:

• Find someone who can help.

That’s all for today.

Bye.