I am sitting on my desk. It is against a giant window on the 8th floor overlooking a small jungle of sorts. When I look down, I see trees bearing yellow and pink flowers. Shadows of crows and pigeons crawl the land. Occasionally, I also spot a dog or a cat looking for food. What do they find there? I don’t quite understand. When I look up, I see a bright blue sky with popcorn-like, thick, curdy – a lot of dimension to them – kind of skies. Right across me, a little far away is a hospital building that blocks my view of all of Hiranandani Estate. Granted my scope of imagination, I believe the hospital isn’t there leaving me with a majestic view. (Thank you, Anne-Shirley-Cuthbert)

I must say, this is quite a privilege in a city like Mumbai that is always chasing something. In my view, nothing moves so much. The skies are always there and the clouds float when they feel like it. The trees are there and the flowers sometimes fall off like it were a Bollywood movie sequence. The hospital building is a sad thing it looks like it is stuck too. Not in a bad way though – I don’t understand why and how but I have learnt some people like being tethered.

About the sounds I can hear. Birds chirping, cooing, cawing, all sorts of noises. There is also a sort of white-noise-ish sound from construction. These construction voices tend to follow me. All my regular places in Mumbai, Delhi, back home – this country really seems to moving forward, or at least has successfully managed to create an illusion of progress. The fan is also a constant white noise. Part of the reason I work in a hot room at most times is because the fans and AC scientists still haven’t figured a way to cool my room in under 30 decibels. Once in a while, a bike passes by. My guess is it’s a 10-minute-delivery app’s partner easing the next generation into comfort and laziness. I add Cardigan by Taylor Swift to this set of sounds. All in all, it’s a slow Saturday afternoon.

My thoughts, on the contrary, have been racing. Yesterday was another bad day. I have had a lot of those this past week. I am scared of slipping into a messy mental space and being unable to pull myself out of it for another 6-7 months. I deserve better than this – so I solemnly swear to take care of myself better. Bring in the walks and the swims and the good sleep-and-coffee cycles and the self-work and the therapist and all the nice stuff. I must look after my mind better. It is Saturday today. There is another Sunday before the “normalcy” of weekdays kicks in. Friday was also off. I don’t think I quite enjoy these off-days (in whatever sense) The regular weekdays – in all their chaotic glory – keep my mind from wandering off into the dark, sad, heartbreaking alleys of my mind.

I have had trouble sleeping too. I stay up really late. 4AM-ish. Then, a 4 hours nap kicks in. No matter what I do, I can’t sleep after 8AM again. This does not rest me well. I keep waking every 20 minutes. Each sleep chunk ends with a nightmare or so. On the days I try to take a mid-day nap, same thing happens. I am mostly just floating – not in a cloud sense, in an old beer bottle in the ocean sense. I feel like I am living in some far-off country away from home even when my family is right outside my room. It’s not nice. I shrink this all by saying – I think I just want a hug and a warm blanket and some Thai curry and some pretty drinks. That’s not it, sure. But it’d be a start.

Here’s the plan for the evening. Eat some Sichuan rice. Do my laundry. Take a shower. Make some coffee. Do some oil pastel colouring. Get back to procreate and make some cutesy things. Go for a swim. Have dinner. Read something. Edit tomorrow’s newsletter. See if my friend is free to talk – honestly, I feel like trouble when I wanna talk to people 🙁 (Maybe I will skip this) Do my skincare things. Go to bed.

I hope I feel better next time we chat.

AK!