The world has put far too much time, money, faith and energy in me for me confidently say that I am a business. Thus, this monthly Stakeholder Report.

Here’s how it has been laid out:

1. A note on why there is no Feb Report
2. Updates from the previous month
   1. Work
   2. Interesting life experiences
3. Goals for the coming month + what I will do to achieve them
   1. Personal goals
   2. Decoding Draupadi goals
4. A short list of things I need help with

—

Why is there no Feb Report?

Long story short: I was scared to sit down and find out I had fallen off my Jan streaks. And even more scared to confess that to the “world.”

The long story: I had fallen sick a lot. I had been lazy. I had been distracted with people and events and hedonistic fun. I had let emotions and pettiness take over the better of me. I also probably drove myself to feeling stuck and helpless and just a stupid funk.

And the truth was: I had myself driven me into that funk. By making sweet-for-the-short-term choices. And to get myself out of that, I’d have to make the hard choices I did not make.

When Feb end came, time seemed to have whizzed past and I was not caught up. I had probably just moved enough to stay afloat. But that’s all. And to come back and report inaction felt stupid. Thus, the helplessness.

I was lazy and scared. That’s all.

Updates from the previous month

Most of these are thoughts and realisations. With no stories this time. But all these come from a ton of things that have happened and me connecting them. So I can’t pinpoint. Should I try? Would that be better?

Do I belong here?

I am often tormented by the feeling of not belonging. In friendships, in rooms, at tables. Work or outside. And that takes a toll on my life — work and outside.

And that feeling of not belonging means I shrink myself. Talk myself down. Be the strongest voice in my head judging myself. And that I am scared. There. I said it. I am scared — of being stupid? Of being seen trying? Of embarrassing myself?

Good thing is: I realised that every time I do that, I am trying to protect a reputation I have not yet built. And it is unfair to me — and all those who choose to believe in me — if I am scare myself into hiding away.

I read this somewhere and I keep repeating it to myself: Do not go through life looking for reasons why you don’t belong. You might find them. Worse, you might even believe them.

The icky feeling of not belonging and yet taking space + putting yourself out and make a fool out of yourself — you have to stick it through. It might suck but the only way is through. You might belong. But you’re here. And you’re trying. That’s just how it will be, if you really want to be your best self.

I also talked about this here and here. And in my college newsletter that is yet to come out.

The Infinite Games in life

I talked about infinite games and being the last person standing here. You might want to read it.

TLDR:
Infinite games: Things you want to do for the rest of your life. Or a very, very long time.
Last person standing: People who withstand the roughest adversities, for the longest time, are most often the winners. Relentlessness. Resilience.

The thing is: Whatever battle you choose in life, you want to be the last person standing. I do. And those battles are most probably going to be unending. Mostly they are so ingrained in your DNA that you would never stop fighting them. Like second nature.

And if you want to do show up every day, as your best self, for the longest time — you have to optimise your life to be able to do that.

Funny thing is: While the language I use sounds insanely fierce, war-like; in real life, the only battles are your mental cages and instant gratification. Based on the few years of life I’ve lived, this is my thought.

All this is gyaan. The point is: I have chosen some infinite games for myself. And know the basic constraints I need to live within to ensure I do okay — in the long run.

To give you an example: While making a list of all the things that happened this month, I noted that I fell sick 4 times. Which is definitely not adding to my life. And I had already decided to not fall sick ever again. And tweeted it too. But I did not stick to it. I need to live life in bitch mode. Be very, very particular.

Same with time. Work. Writing. Sleep. Etc.

Spotlight Session

We planted a new bomb at C4E: Spotlight Sessions.

ICYMI: A series of in-person events that will celebrate performing arts and the world of entertainment. Run in partnership with our communities around films, books, women and others, these sessions will bring together performers and patrons. Through these, we wish to support musicians, performers, poets, artists, athletes or anyone who shines and thrives under the bright burning glory of the Spotlight!

March 30th. 7 PM. Little House.

Ved took videos from the event for us and I remember saying how jealous I was of these kids who had access to such cool and exciting things at just 17. And how I would have given my life to be a part of something like this when I was that age.

Which was when it struck me: I have access to something like it today. At 21. And not mere access. It felt like it was my room. It was my room.

And how lucky + grateful I was to have found this.

Pants and Caves

Prakruti’s friend Pantelis was visiting India and we did a tiny picnic to the Elephanta Caves. It was fun. This was also a day I had met and hugged all the people in my life I truly care about in the same day and they were all in the same city — it was the most surreal feeling ever. So much so that I bawled over it on the cab ride back home.

Ad-film shoot in Lonavala

College took us on a 3-day trip to Lonavala for an ad-film shoot. An assignment. I was really excited about it in the start. But I could not get all my team members to be super-enthused + invested about the project. Eventually, the fun fizzled out and I barely finished the thing.

However, I had some fun. There was a dance party where I danced alone. Played midnight football with strangers. Sneaked in snacks. Danced more on the bus ride back home. All those tiny little things.

Oh, and it was fun calling myself the director. So serious!

Holi – yay!

I almost skipped Holi this year because I was sick. Then I didn’t.

This was also my first Holi not spent with family. And it was okay. The last few years of spending Diwali time with not-my-folks has weeded out the away-from-home-during-festival blues. It’s a good thing.

God saved the world

Because I have decided to dress pretty. And no – I don’t mean fancy or extravagant. But more often than not, I want to leave the house looking — more importantly, feeling — sharp, put-together, thoughtfully dressed, comfortable and confident.

No loosey jammies. Or huge-ass shirts. Or chappals. No un-groomed days (I hate waxing — why does it make you look/feel cuter though? This conditioning – ugh!)

Goals for April 2024

AK Goals:

1. I will leave home at 8 AM everyday, so that I do not waste my mornings. How? Telling mummy to wake me up. Sleep at the same time on most days.
2. I will eat ghar-ka-khaana or fruits for all meals. How? Carry it around — even if it’s a pain.
3. I will build distribution. How? (Distribution – LinkedIn: 5000 followers (3010 today). Blogs: 20 posts.) Post every day. Even if it feels trash. Posting EVERYWHERE is my morning task 1. I also wonder how I could do more of this? YT? IG? etc?
4. I will get 30/30 in all my ICAs this month. How? Plan time better, get a head-start, keep profs in the loop for constant feedback. Even if it means staying back extra hours.
5. I will be more open to people. How? Simple things like texting back, proactively staying in touch, online/offline interactions, etc. (This is the only thing I can not measure but I should do an honest job.)

Building DD Goals:

1. Our podcast: Deliver 20 episodes this month.
2. Content: Regular content across all pages and platforms.
3. DAIS: 100 new women on the database.
4. Meet 30 new people – via DAIS, DAW or general network.

Note: Most work at DD happens as it comes. So, I am unable to plan for it. Or put goals. Where am I failing? Something must be off!

A short list of things I need help with:

1. Hold me accountable.
2. Eating healthy + getting some exercise in seems to be my biggest battle. What do I do?
3. For the rest I will come to you.

Thank you,

Anshika!