I want a big life

In her final set on the show, Mrs Maisel says, “I want a big life.” I can never write and make you feel the weight of that monologue, so just watch it and come right back.

I want a big life. I want a really, really big life.

These days, every time I find myself in a shitty moment, that makes me feel small and defeated and outside-of-an-inside-joke like, I repeat that to myself.

That I’m going to have a really, really big life.

So big and so full of countless days and events and experiences and joys and sorrows that everything is a blur. And none of it matters because all the good and all the bad are a tiny, tiny part of a huge, ginormous life.

Of course, I do this to make peace with the uncomfortable parts of my life. Let me be shrink-y and say, It’s like a defence mechanism. But I think it works for me.

How dare I have such a small life where the tiny, silly, stupid things matter and upset me? My life is way bigger than this. I am probably a small, important means in creating this big life for myself. So, I better be mindful of my time and energy.

Cats and dogs.

I’ve realised I’ve become very cat-like: moody, curious, reserved, selectively loving. But I feel my best at my dog: friendly, sociable, enthusiastic, more loving than cats.

Simply put: I’ve shrunk within. I don’t enjoy the company of most people. But in my head, I love people. I enjoy fun and smart hanging out and conversations. So?? Like???? WHAT???

Case-in-point: Back in the day, I’d spend hours and hours texting random people on the Internet. And I genuinely enjoyed it. Today, however, I’ve to put tons of effort most of the times. Unless some switch flips and I’m super enthused and curios and care-y.

But the thing is: I like people. The good ones. I like the idea of being in interesting company. And having a sense of belonging. So I want to be more dog-like.

Watch.

Dog days are over (it’s a song!)

It suddenly hit me that in just one month, I’ll be out of the not-so-nice college schedule I’m stuck in. And boy have I been excited and super jumpy about it.

In fact, last night I was so happy I could not sleep till really late. Then I read some. Then I decided to lie super still in bed for 15 minutes. Someone told me it makes you fall asleep instantly. I don’t know if it’s true but it has always worked for me.

Anyhow, I can not wait for this. Also, I have around a year left to graduate. Which is interesting too. Oh, and summer break!

So much to look forward to.

I am so not falling sick again.

Last week and more or less the last month, I have been sick. Cold and fever and cold again and fever again and stomach flu and whatnot. In fact, I have been more sick than fine. And I absolutely hate it. I do not like not feeling my best. And not being able to do things I want to be doing.

So, I have decided I will not fall sick again. This should be easy. If I sleep on time, not pull all-nighters because I feel guilty about the day wasted in being sick or whiling away or not being in-the-zone, eat clean and proper, do my daily movement — I think I should be fine.

March 26 was a good day in that regard. I just have to do more of those. One day at a time. All stacked up. One normal life.

And that’s what I want. A normal life. Not super happy. Not super sad. Just mid enough. So that I can do my everyday habits with no breaks and live good and do great things.

That’s all!