I procrastinate. A lot. And I am extremely embarrassed about it.

When I list out my life goals today, I say things like “I want to be a UN representative, I want to be a sustainability and feminism leader, I want to be a reef cultivator, I want a certain $140 Million house and whatnot.” But none of these can wait for my ‘Oh, I will watch 10 more episodes of Gilmore Girls now and start working at night because I know I work better then – AND THEN NEVER REALLY GET WORK DONE’ kind of tantrums.

I used to believe it was because I know myself well and work around my so-called systems. But my Jan epiphany has been that I am a deadly combination of smart and lazy so I come up with the most creative ways to fool myself out of consistency and hard work, and not feel bad about it.

Had I not started doing things now – and trust me I do a lot of things – I would have taken another whole year to learn about myself. So I am glad I was able to figure out my stupid habit and start pushing myself towards a solution. I have often had sad-girl-hours about inconsistency but I never noticed a pattern, so that.

Now, I have learnt how I bullshit. And I have learnt to call it out. So, what is my solution to my Creative Bullshitting problem?

Here’s what seems to be working for me, as of Jan 27, 2023.

Schedule

I had christened my absolutely unhealthy lifestyle – My System. (Those framing lectures in college really helped, yes.) Midnight caffeine, glorification of laziness, staying up scrolling all night, Netflixing the day away – you name it. You see, I don’t have big problems but I stick to my little ones hard.

So, I broke my system once and for all.

I made a schedule for myself as I used to during my school days. I actually follow it this time. I have a fixed bedtime/wake-up time now: you’d expect a 20yo girl to have that. My friend started a No-coffee-after-5-pm rule with me and I stick to it on most days. I exercise every day. I solve sums in the morning. I micro-journal before I go to bed. I have not had any junk in 3 days now – and while that is really hard for me, I plan on testing my limits. Now that I write it, it all seems so obvious. Maybe that’s the problem with all people – they don’t do the obvious.

Lists

Kaushik gifted me a set of Austin Kleon books for Christmas. They had whole chapters on making to-do lists, to-definitely-not-do lists and the like. Lists are not new to me, I have always been the one to bask in the glory of an all-checked to-do. I think it’s more about starting the day right (aka following the Schedule we just discussed) that gets me in the zone to do more. And once I start getting things done, the list just gives me perspective on what the day holds and how I can not afford two extra episodes of House of Cards for lunch. 

The thing about lists is being able to find the perfect balance of

1. Can I humanly get it all done? Vs Is it too little?
2. Will I lose my sanity till I reach the end of this list? Vs Am I only doing the easy stuff and still procrastinating on the grunt work?
3. Should I be happy about what I got done? Vs Should I beat myself over the unchecked boxes?

I am still figuring it out. On some days, I do it well. On some days, I let crippling anxiety take over. Between these highs and lows, I am truly learning more about my actual work systems.

Forced boredom

I am a high-energy kid at most times. I am doing something, I am playing with something, I am fiddling with something – something is always up. You can never text me “Wyd” and be disappointed in my reply. I think it’s because I am very curious – and in constant need of mental stimuli. I’ll read, I’ll observe, I’ll paint, I’ll dance – you get the drift. How the high slowly fades into grogginess, I do not understand. But it does on most days. And then I’m simply lazing, struggling to just be – in more real words, procrastinating.

However, I have found my perfect workaround. I bore myself.

What’s that? Whenever I find myself lazing from tab to tab on my laptop, getting virtually nothing done, I shut it. Then I set a 30-minute timer on my phone. In these 30 minutes, I disallow myself from doing anything at all. No phone, no book, no scribbling, no speaking, no art-creating, no music, none of it. I can either take a quick nap or just hear my thoughts speak. If I nap, I am re-energised. If I choose to hear my thoughts, I am mostly thinking about work and work-like ideas. But the catch is that I can not execute them. Hell, I can’t even note them down. That small restraint makes me eager to get back to my table. So the moment the 30-minute timer thing goes off, I jump back to my laptop and enter Paris Geller mode. I am loving this. 

My friends at C4E asked me what I learnt this month. Well, here it is.

I learnt more about my problematic habits and figured out some solutions to them. They work for me today. They might not be 10 days later. But I am a curious cat, I will figure it out.

Bye now.

Anshika