Nothing went out on the blog this past week and I am mini-upset about it. I was in a mental/emotional rut and low-energy (thank God for female hormone cycles) and a little occupied with college things. And I hate making that excuse. I want to be better than that. Phew. Oh but I did have an entire meltdown of I am going nowhere in life and I will change everything I know and do something entirely different and super optimised for great, grand success. Whatever that means.

Housekeeping: This post has two parts.

1. Four chunks of unpublished thoughts from the last week
2. Some fresh thoughts from today

Take your pick. Or read the whole thing.

Part 1:

Here are some things that I did put down on different days and sometimes sent to small groups of people.

Lettuce wrap of emotions

Blog post attempt. Monday. Oct 16.

“I had a bunch of Romantic (and romantic) ways to start this post but I drowned down all those feelings with a mean Vanilla Sweet Cream.

Side-note: If you don’t understand the two ‘romantics’ we can not be friends.”

Soled Out

Blog post attempt. Wednesday. Oct 18.

“Logged in my state of being in the How We Feel app before I sat down to write this. I love this app. For a bouquet of reasons.

One: The UI is so tastefully fluid. Relaxed. Calming.

Two: The concept is quite interesting. Lemme ask Bard to explain: “The How We Feel app helps you track and understand your emotions through the day, and provides tools to manage them.” Plus they give you reports of the patterns and triggers – how do sleep, weather, company, time of the day, etc affect it.

Three: How I end up interacting with it, ie. How it makes me feel. I open the app and tap the ➕ sign, I am presented with a 2×2 matrix of Energy and Pleasant-ness. This prompts me to pause for a second and look within. Check-in with myself, really. I often want to lie and chalk up the “negative” emotions, but something with urges me to be honest. Two things happen here: Either I don’t know how I was feeling before, and I figure out how I feel after. Or I have some latent happiness (or sadness) before, which I then claim with my actions after. Both are comforting. Both ask me to feel my feels.

So that. Do you think you’d want to try? Just for a week at first?

Ps: They also give you a library of educational materials about emotional intelligence and well-being + a community forum where users can connect with others who are working on improving their emotional health + directory of mental health professionals. I don’t really use any of it, but it’s there.

Ps ps: Prak once talked to me about how it’s helpful for women to be able to at least name what they’re going through – micro-aggression, feeling dismissed, etc. Same thing with this.“

Grand Plan

A new notion tab. Thursday. Oct 19.

Afternoon.

It is a random October afternoon in 2023. And I am frustrated. There is so much I want to do. More like RIGHT NOW* than in the 25-year-timeline kind of future. And I don’t think my today is in sync with it.

*= next one or two years.

And I do not want to be unhappy. I do not want to be confused and unsure about what I am doing. I need it to be in order.

(Or maybe I just want to pack my bags and fly off to Ladakh right now)

Unhappy/unfulfilled

A late night mail to some friends. Friday. Oct 20.

I’ve had a random busy week with college taking up a lot of my time. And energy too.

I want to get back to my regular days and programming – the way I like it – but it seems difficult given the assignment plan for the next few weeks. I hate it. It’s like being sent out of home for a random summer camp that you don’t want to go to.

Also, idk what I want in life?

Like yes, I do want a bunch of things. But what’s the one thing I really, really want? I find it missing. And it’s sad.

And no, it’s not Harvard. I’m sure now. It’s my carrot.

So, yeah.

That feels missing.

I’ve known this for a while. That I don’t really know what I really, really want. But I chose to be cool with that. Not panic. Not be on a constant search for meaning. All that. Heck, my six debarred months were as meaningless as they could be. In the sense that, everyday was one at a time. No large goal. No big dream. None of it. There was  meaning in some things I did do – but it wasn’t the motivation.

I hope I’m able to explain myself?

Lately, I’ve been feeling the need to know. To plan. To have some sense of structure in place for what my future could and should look like. Maybe it’s some sort of fear inducted in me cus of hanging around more college kids? How they’re always worried about the future and wanting to have lives figured out?

Or maybe it’s the Divinely Discontent energy talking – if you can even call it that.

Part 2:

A laurel from yesterday (A couple of days back actually)

I won the NMIMS E-Cell Reverse Shark Tank. It happens to be a big deal in the SVKM Universe. Heck, they even shell out money for it. It’s old, un-exciting news now. But there’s one interesting thing I want to point from the experience.

We did round 1 and round 2 and round 3. And then it was winner-announcing time and everyone was on the edge of their seats. And they said, “Group 9!” That was us. (Me and Arpit) Exciting. And then they said, “and Group 6 have a tie!”

Tie? So like, THIIIIIIS close to winning the thing.

Frankly, I walked in with zero hopes and expectations. My self-belief and god-complex are very much failing me lately. But okay. So yes, pleasant surprise. It was exciting. Thrilling. Adrenaline.

We were called up on the stage. Some fun, random, unnerving theatrics. And they asked us to do a Grill-each-other round and whoever wins, wins. Both of us did a good job and they could apparently not decide. So they put it up to vote. I did my fair bit of asking the audience to pick me – sweetly, politely, funnily, entertainingly, charmingly, all that.

And then they sent us in to the Green Rooms to wait. Both teams were fired up. If I was this close to something, I HAD TO WIN IT. This entire process of them telling us it was a tie and the teams grilling each other and the jury grilling the teams and asking people to pick us and the counting time – all that was GREAT FUN.

And then they brought us back to the stage. And did some more poorly done, improv theatrics. And declared that Team 9 won. I will not lie. For 4 seconds, I was on top of the world. And then, in some weird, annoying, stoic manner, my mind went – “Okay, now what?”

What is this? Who cares? Do I even care anymore? The chase was fun. But what do I do with this title? And the claps? And the cheers? And the praise? It wore down like that. In a blink.

And then I found out this was for first podium.

(Because all this while I thought we’re fighting for a rank in the Top 3.)

((And then I found out we all get Prize Money with this.))

So that.

Tangent: I took a picture and sent it out to the entire world saying I just won. And my Mom and Dad’s first comment was: The neck of your top is too deep. So you can imagine what that would feel like. ANYHOW.

AD-Mire Music Video Assignment

So, our college has this Arts Fest called Admire. We make ads and click pictures and make movies and record music and all that. And show it to the world. As Mother Taylor put it, “We play stupid games, we win stupid prizes.”

This year, they asked the SYs to make music videos. IN GROUPS. In a previous post, I talked about my struggle with working in groups – Pt 4. I graduated that level, I think. But here’s the new one. I want to make something fun. And unhinged. And sure, rational probabilities say it won’t win. And yet, it will take A LOT OF EFFORT. But it won’t be commonplace. Definitely something that will be remembered. Remarkable.

(In my false positive experience, these things have also always won. But I know better than to consider it an absolute rule and work with that kind of stubborn, adamant attitude.)

But here’s the problem.

1/ I did not do the best, proactive job of seeking the greatest coolest bunch of people to work with me on this. I absolutely hate and regret it now.

2/ I failed at convincing them for this idea. I want to be better at it. OH GOD. I hate that I could not. MUST MUST MUST DO + BE BETTER.

3/ I realise they might not subscribe to this (pointless, unrewarding) (effort, madness). Go make a matrix out of this. Oh god, I feel so cool when I am able to plug a little math treat in my writing.

More thoughts on this from a WhatsApp rant some 20 minutes ago: “The MV goes to a big screen in Mukesh Patel and is presented to the fancy jury and all that. And I’ve realised I quite like the random kick and thrill of making people go – She really did THAT for the assignment or whatever.”

So, takeaways:

One. Need to get better at convincing people for my crazy ideas. I would love to have the ability to sell them whatever. But I’d definitely like to be mindful of not being a roadblock in the making of great things EVER.

Two. Need proof of my crazy ideas working. Being liked. Validated. That would probably mean putting more things out in the world. String of success?

Lastly

It is Sunday tomorrow. My one day off. God knows I needed that. I plan to vegetate at home. Clean my house. Do some laundry. Get some work done so that I am well set for the next week. And then go back to regular programming next week.

Night now.

Love,

AK!