Every single promise that you make to yourself and do not keep gnaws on you. Chisels you into a loser. I strongly believe in this. So every time I pledge to some form of consistency or discipline and fail to live up to my word, I lose one tiny unit of trust in my ability to ever make it big.

I have been (mostly) out of college for one year now. From then to now, things have happened – sure. But at a painstakingly, disappointing, heartbreaking slow pace. I know in my heart I have not done justice to my potential. This makes me cry. But now is not when I entertain my silly, little, non-rightful sadness.

Anyhow, here we are. June 19th – 12:37 AM. Point of no undo.

What I will do is this:

1. Dump down my faults
2. Figure next steps (This is in pt 2 of this post)

The Faults

I am ungrateful. I take a lot of things for granted.

I realised this a couple of weeks back. I have a whole bunch of really cool opportunities that I have either been handed or have created for myself. But that is not enough. I have not proactively tried to make good use of it. And I would keep telling myself – If something TRULY excited me, I’d be all jumpy and show up with way greater intensity. I think I lied to myself, shouldn’t have. You don’t.

I take nothing seriously. Not seriously enough.

The thing is – I always have a safety net. I think I have not risked enough to make me move. Or. maybe I have become comfortable in my excuses and miseries. So, I do not take things seriously.

• I know – at the end of the day – I will always be clothed, fed and sheltered.
• And that I will always be smart enough to build a simple life for myself. Being smart makes me lazy. I need to un-believe in my brains. Clearly, it has done me no good. (But do I really want to settle for it? Why do I keep giving in every now and then? How do I stop this cycle?)
• Plus, I always come up with the most sensible seeming ways to bullshit myself. I need to stop being this pathetic kind of crafty.

I suck at avoiding distractions.

I get distracted too easily. And as if this wasn’t enough – I get distracted by the most hedonistic pleasures. So I have wasted TOO much time on worthless things – ice-cream drives, stupid shopping sprees, random-ass dinners, junk, Netflix at times, little projects that I KNOW will never be finished, shit-posting, etc etc. Life today is easy and WAY TOO COMFY. But I fail to see how maybe just two years later it won’t be. In fact, if I let things be, it’d be really hard, really uncomfortable, really pathetic and there would be no one to blame for it but me. And then, I’d have maybe grown even comfier into my laziness and hedonism. WHAT WILL I DO THEN?

These are my three problems. Just these.

I will be rational and not-hard-on-myself enough to understand that it’s okay. I am only human. I can mess up. But I am also Anshika Kushwaha. Now that I know these, I must act mindfully. Foolproof my life of my fuckeries.

Move to pt 2.