It is 2:28 AM right now.

I have to be up early-ish for a morning flight tomorrow. So I decided I’d not sleep at all. My brain works crazy. I’m in Bangalore for a couple of days so in all probability checking-in with myself won’t be happening. And because I’m up anyhow, I thought I’d put down some thoughts. Clear my head up, etc, etc.

ONE: I WANT TO BE AT PEACE.

My latest brainwave was this: I do not feel okay on most days. On a scale of good-okay-bad, I make it up to five points under okay on most days. A rare few are okay – when I am productive, aligned, present in the moment, things like that. And even a rarer few are happy. Truly happy.

Now, I am not anal about this. I don’t want a bunch of good days. Once in a while, little cheerful pockets are fine with me. But what I am greedy for is the okay days. I want to feel normal, not meh. Today, while making myself a sandwich it occurred to me, Most days I feel meh – and those days I do meh work. The normal days – I am content. I feel productive, I am at peace at the end of the day. I also feel like taking the right decisions. While this is mostly from an effort and productivity standpoint, I am also considering overall wellness.

So, I have decided to fix this for myself. Naturally, I asked my fav adult of choice and fav 21yo of choice (SG and C, respectively) for thoughts. And here’s what I’m doing about me.

1. Meditate everyday.
2. Cut down caffeine and sugar.
3. Not be on the Internet till 2 hours of waking up.

If you know me, I am the very opposite of these habits. But I am determined to make a change. I want to be at peace. And be present. So, yeah.

Ps: I got me a headspace subscription and can send you a 30-day guest pass – it doesn’t give me anything. Just an act of niceness, hehe.

TWO: I WANT TO BE MORE SELFISH.

With time. And with effort.

Right now, I scatter myself everywhere. And invest a lot of energy in lots of places that feel pretty worthless. To make a displacement of 10 units towards the big picture, I cover a 50 unit displacement. While one might applaud its serendipitous nature, I feel a lack of focus in life. I need to define my top 3 priorities for life and invest, say, 70% of my time and effort there. And use the balance to fuck around and find out.

This might not be a permanent change but I am willing to experiment for a bit. Now, what are these top 3 things?

1. Physical and mental wellness
2. Nurturing Decoding Draupadi
3. Honestly, I can’t think of a third thing. College is important but not a super-priority. I can fare with sub-par efforts. Maybe, it’s just meeting and knowing more people?

The point of this is intentionality. To be more mindful. And to take little tough-to-execute-but-glad-I-chose-this kind of decisions. Sounds easy.

Alright, I feel sleepy now.

Night.